Chuck vs The Bombshell
by daydreamer2578
Summary: "You can come by my cell, and we can hang out, and you can tell me who the president is..." After eight years in an underground bunker, Chuck finally hears from Sarah Walker, and boy does she have some news for him! AU from the S1 finale and written in ne71's delightful Emoticon universe. Now a multichapter! 100% more goats and 300% more gorillas! Really!
1. Chapter 1

_Hey y'all! Did you miss me? C'mon, admit it, you know you missed me._

 _So the last time_ ** _ne71_** _and I had a round of "You do it," "No, you do it," I won and the world was rewarded with the continuation of his brilliant and hilarious "_ Chuck vs. The Emoticon _" series. You can thank me anytime. Fast forward a few years, and he threw Lizard when I threw Spock, so now I'm the one staying up until the wee hours of the morning chained to my laptop. I still say the world missed out, but I thank him for letting me play in his fluffy little universe. It was a nice vacation. And yep, sixty-three percent of the jokes are blatantly stolen from him, because we all know he is far funnier than I._

 _In the Season One finale, the CIA has come for Chuck after his cover is blown and he thinks he's going to end up being stashed in an underground bunker for the foreseeable future. As he's saying goodbye, he tells Sarah "hey, there's a silver lining to this too, you know, 'cause we're not working together anymore, which means we can go on a date. You can come by my cell, and we can hang out, and you can tell me who the president is."_

 _If they only knew..._

* * *

Chuck vs. The Bombshell

by daydreamer2578

swalker218: Chuck, you there?

ccarmichael007: Sarah? omg is that really you?

swalker218: Yes Chuck, it's me.

ccarmichael007: Prove it.

swalker218: I can't believe I'm about to write this...

swalker218: The penguins swim at dawn. Rendezvous at the hedgehog circus. I'll be the one in the slinky dress.

swalker218: And I still don't see what's wrong with taking two extra seconds to actually type out "Oh my God." It's only four more letters.

ccarmichael007: It is you!

swalker218: Hi. :)

ccarmichael007: Technically though, it's a coyote circus. The hedgehogs are guest stars only.

swalker218: …

ccarmichael007: What?

swalker218: Chuck, we haven't spoken in years, and you want to quibble about coyote circuses?

ccarmichael007: Honestly, I'm in shock here. I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. I'm only twenty-three percent certain I'm not dreaming right now.

swalker218: Are you dressed like Napoleon?

ccarmichael007: Doesn't appear so.

swalker218: Then odds are good you're awake.

ccarmichael007: Well then it's really good to hear from you. Like, really good. It's been a long time.

swalker218: It has, and I'm sorry about that. I was ordered to cut off all contact and your file was classified above my clearance level. I tried to make myself forget about you, but…

ccarmichael007: I proved impossible to forget.

swalker218: You're like one of those songs I can't get out of my head.

ccarmichael007: And you say you don't like music.

swalker218: It took me months to figure out how, but I managed to hack into the CIA mainframe to find your new screen name. I see now that I should have guessed it on my own.

ccarmichael007: They let me have my fun from time to time.

ccarmichael007: Sarah, I really appreciate your efforts on my behalf, but you could get in a lot of trouble for that.

swalker218: I know, but I made you a promise.

ccarmichael007: You did?

swalker218: Before Long Shore took you away, I told you that I'd visit. Tell you who the president was. I just wanted to let you know.

ccarmichael007: It's been four years already?

swalker218: Chuck, it's been eight.

ccarmichael007: Wow, time really flies in an underground bunker.

swalker218: I'm so sorry about that.

ccarmichael007: Meh, it's not so bad. My pad is pretty posh by bunker standards. Soft carpet, Sleep Number bed, walk-in shower, workout room, bitchin' entertainment center and an endless supply of cheese puffs. They take me up to get some sunlight every once in a while; show me pictures of Ellie and Morgan. Sometimes I even get to go on missions and flash on things. And in the meantime, there's shelves packed full of the latest and greatest video games.

swalker218: It doesn't take much to keep you happy, does it?

ccarmichael007: I'm a simple man, Sarah. With a wicked case of carpal tunnel.

swalker218: Chuck, I've missed you.

ccarmichael007: Right back at'cha, gorgeous.

swalker218: :)

ccarmichael007: Wait… if it's been eight years, does that mean Obama was reelected?

swalker218: Does that surprise you?

ccarmichael007: A little. I always thought Biden would spoil his image for him. He seemed like the type of guy that would inspire a wave of silly internet memes and undermine the dignity of the office.

swalker218: Yeah, that didn't happen until later.

ccarmichael007: But it did happen?

swalker218: Yes.

ccarmichael007: Called it!

 _swalker218 sent a file at 2:05:15_

 _ccarmichael007 opened file at 2:05:32_

ccarmichael007: Aww… Joe wants Barack and Michelle to adopt him. How sweet!

swalker218: I thought you'd like that one.

ccarmichael007: So does this mean you're coming to visit to tell me about the new man in the Oval Office?

swalker218: Or woman.

ccarmichael007: ?

swalker218: We could have elected a woman.

ccarmichael007: It must be a whole new world up there on the surface.

swalker218: That's an understatement.

ccarmichael007: So when should I expect you? I need to tidy up a bit first, dust off all of the booby traps and death rays before company gets here.

swalker218: I'm sorry Chuck, I can't visit. I don't have the security clearance. But I did want to let you know…

ccarmichael007: Let me know what?

swalker218: Trump.

ccarmichael007: Trump what? Trump… card? Trump…et? Are the penguins putting together a jazz band?

swalker218: No. Donald Trump.

ccarmichael007: What about him?

swalker218: He's the president.

ccarmichael007: HA!

swalker218: I'm serious, Chuck.

ccarmichael007: Haha! That's a good one. I literally just spit my soda all over the keyboard.

swalker218: Chuck…

ccarmichael007: Hoo boy! You've still got it, Walker, making contact after all this time just to mess with me.

 _swalker218 sent a file at 2:08:36_

swalker218: Here's the front page of the Times from the day after the election.

 _ccarmichael007 opened file at 2:09:07_

ccarmichael007: I…

ccarmichael007: Gah…

ccarmichael007: Ack…

ccarmichael007: yr4770p-p7 6rr89

swalker218: Chuck! Are you okay?!

swalker218: Chuck?

swalker218: Talk to me!

 _ccarmichael007's status changed to idle at 2:15:43_

swalker218: I could get court marshaled for this, but I'm calling Beckman.

 _ccarmichael007's status changed to online at 2:16:21_

ccarmichael007: No! Don't do that!

swalker218: What happened?

ccarmichael007: I'm freaking out.

swalker218: What's yr4770p-p7 6rr89? Is that geek speak for something?

ccarmichael007: I may or may not have just banged my head on the keyboard several times.

swalker218: That hurts more than one might think.

ccarmichael007: So I've noticed.

ccarmichael007: The keyboard's all sticky from the soda. I'm glad you can't see me right now, because I'm kind of a mess.

swalker218: I wish I could see you, messy or not.

ccarmichael007: I think you'd dig the beard.

swalker218: You grew a beard?

ccarmichael007: There isn't much else to do around here.

swalker218: Are you feeling calmer now?

ccarmichael007: I think so. It's still a lot to process.

swalker218: Tell me about it.

ccarmichael007: So you're telling me that the "you're fired" guy now has access to the big red button that literally fires the nukes?

swalker218: Oh, no. They rewired that before he took office. It controls the White House sprinkler system now.

swalker218: The lawn has never looked better.

swalker218: The rose garden is especially rosy this year.

swalker218: In fact, they're talking about adding an amphibian exhibit since they're having so much trouble draining the swamp.

ccarmichael007: Well that's a relief. I hope they have a singing frog. I'd imagine he's made a lot of other changes around the White House too.

swalker218: He's installed gold toilets in all the West Wing bathrooms, and swapped out the Oval Office desk chair for a gilded throne.

ccarmichael007: Classing up the joint. I like it.

swalker218: And all the fast food restaurants are now required to offer 24-hour delivery service. You can order Taco Bell at 3:00 a.m. just by tweeting.

ccarmichael007: I could get on board with that.

swalker218: It's created thousands of minimum-wage jobs.

ccarmichael007: But what about national security? What does this mean for you and Casey?

swalker218: Well…

swalker218: Cabinet meetings now take place in the new Capital Building casino. If they can't come to an agreement, they spin a roulette wheel.

ccarmichael007: I always bet on black.

swalker218: Casey is heading up the new Department of Mandatory Firearm Ownership.

ccarmichael007: That seems fitting for him.

swalker218: And instead of carrying a badge, all female operatives have to wear pageant sashes instead.

swalker218: Our ranking for preferred assignments is now based off of the results of the annual CIA swimsuit competition.

ccarmichael007: Please tell me you have a video of this you can send to me.

swalker218: Chuck…

ccarmichael007: What? It gets lonely being a Morlock.

swalker218: My sash says "MISS CIA 2017." It hasn't exactly done wonders for my covers.

ccarmichael007: I always knew you were a winner, Walker. ;)

swalker218: Oh, for crying out loud.

ccarmichael007: Please, you adore me.

swalker218: Yeah, I do.

 _ccarmichael007's status changed to idle at 2:22:22_

swalker218: Chuck?

swalker218: Where'd you go?

swalker218: And here I am talking to myself again. Lovely.

 _ccarmichael007's status changed to online at 2:30:56_

ccarmichael007: Sarah, you still there?

swalker218: Yes, I'm here.

ccarmichael007: I've made a decision.

swalker218: Oh really? Do tell.

ccarmichael007: A world where Donald Trump can be elected president of the United States is a world where anything is possible. Anything.

swalker218: Go on…

ccarmichael007: Even a scenario where a bearded Morlock and a gorgeous blonde ninja-esque CIA agent escape the shackles of government oppression and ride off into the sunset together.

ccarmichael007: I've spent the last eight years getting to know every inch of this compound and every line of code in the operating system. There's going to be a window tomorrow afternoon where I can make it out of here. All I'll have to do is knock out one delivery guy.

swalker218: What are you saying, Chuck?

ccarmichael007: What I'm saying is…

ccarmichael007: Sarah Walker, will you do me the honor of moving to Canada with me?

swalker218: …

ccarmichael007: Sarah?

swalker218: Yeah?

ccarmichael007: Just say yes.

swalker218: Yes.

ccarmichael007: Really?

swalker218: Really.

ccarmichael007: :)

swalker218: :)

ccarmichael007: Meet me at our spot in 48 hours. And bring a slinky dress.

swalker218: Under one condition.

ccarmichael007: What's that?

swalker218: Lose the beard.

ccarmichael007: As you wish, m'lady.

 _ccarmichael007 signed out at 2:34:58_

 _swalker218 signed out at 2:35:18_

 _jcasey1980 signed on at 7:43:48_

 _swalker218 signed on at 7:57:32_

jcasey1980: Walker?

swalker218: Hey Casey. Long time. How's things?

jcasey1980: You tell me.

swalker218: I have no idea what you're talking about. What's up?

jcasey1980: I was just pulled out of my Cabinet position at DOMFO and reassigned because, apparently, the Intersect has decided to make a run for it in a Subway delivery car. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

swalker218: Wow… Chuck… I haven't thought about him in years. Do you think he's okay?

jcasey1980: He won't be once I get my hands on him.

swalker218: That's harsh, Casey.

fluffybunnystarchildhippie: So is going back into the field at my age.

 _swalker218 signed off at 8:01:33_

fluffybunystarchildhippie: Hey! Did you change my screen name?

fluffybunnystarchildhippie: Walker?

fluffybunnystarchildhippie: Walker?

fluffybunnystarchildhippie: Nobody tells me anything.

 _fluffybunnystarchildhippie signed off at 8:05:01_

* * *

 _There. Now Nick isn't the only one who can say they've banged their head against a keyboard in the pursuit of better fanfiction. I'd add this tidbit about myself to my OKCupid profile, but strangely enough, he says that hasn't been working out for him at all. Go figure…_

 _Yeah, I know it's risky bringing politics into fanfiction, but I hope I kept this fluffy enough that everyone can have a laugh. Or a grin? Tell me you at least grinned. It's, of course, based on the premise that Chuck was completely oblivious to the entire election cycle. I'm really jealous of him right now._


	2. Chapter 2

_Happy 2019 y'all!_

 _I actually wrote these next two chapters last spring, during Gina Haspel's confirmation process, when there was a lot of talk in the news cycle about what it means for a CIA agent to drop their cover. This, of course, made me ask the question "what would Sarah Walker do?" (I actually ask myself that a lot, and as long as the question has absolutely nothing to do with love or relationships, it generally serves me well.) I wrote them piecemeal on my phone during my occasional moments of downtime, primarily to amuse myself, and once I thought I might want to finish and post them my betas were all busy having jobs and families and all of that time-consuming stuff, so I decided to let them sit a while. And sit they did. For many, many long months. It was really sad and lonely there in my unfinished fic folder, just waiting for me to decide to organize my files and find them again. So I figured I'd let them out to play, and hopefully you'll show them some love since they've been neglected for so, so long._

 _I guess this would pick up a year and some change after Chapter One. . ._

* * *

 _swalker218 signed on at 19:32:18_

 _ccarmichae007 signed on at 20:03:42_

swalker218: Helloooo Sweetie!

ccarmichael007: New computer, who dis?

swalker218: You can't be serious.

ccarmichael007: Well, the screen name says that this is the lovely and indomitable Sarah Walker, but the Doctor Who reference says... well... otherwise.

swalker218: What? I can watch new things.

ccarmichael007: River Song didn't even make her first appearance until midway through season four of the new series. Am I supposed to believe that the ever-in-action-no-tolerance-for-sci-fi-inanities Sarah Walker sat on the couch and binge watched three and a half seasons of Daleks and Cybermen before landing on a catchphrase she found amusing?

ccarmichael007: How ya' doin' Morgan?

swalker218: Morgan? Now I'm insulted. I retract the "Sweetie."

ccarmichael007: If you really were Sarah, that would make me very sad.

swalker218: It really is me, Chuck.

ccarmichael007: Uh huh.

swalker218: (sigh) Napoleon and hedgehogs and coyote circuses, oh my!

swalker218: Happy now?

ccarmichael007: You're not the only one I've shared my dreams of hedgehog stardom with.

swalker218: Fine. Does Morgan know that you're currently in a bunker several hundred feet under the gorilla exhibit at the Omaha Zoo?

ccarmichael007: They put me under gorillas? In Omaha?

swalker218: They figured that another line of security wouldn't hurt in case you decided to try and escape again.

ccarmichael007: Well that explains the smell that wafts in every time my guards have a shift change. I just figured governmental hygiene had gone to hell.

swalker218: Well, that too. But in your case, I think it's mostly the gorillas.

ccarmichael007: Also an apt description for my current cadre of caretakers. These dudes make Casey look both petite and loquacious.

swalker218: I had much the same. I think they breed them in a lab somewhere.

ccarmichael007: They bunkerized you too?

swalker218: Yeah, for a few months. After we played several rounds of "does this interrogation technique violate the Geneva Convention?" and "is she really resistant to _all_ of the truth serums?" By the time we were done, my own bunker and its shelf full of DVDs felt like a vacation.

ccarmichael007: Yeah, these places really do get a bad rap. I'm very sorry you had to go through all that though. I feel responsible.

swalker218: They even stripped me of my Miss CIA title. I never thought I'd miss that sash, yet, somehow, I do.

ccarmichael007: It's all my fault.

swalker218: No Chuck, it really isn't.

ccarmichael007: If I hadn't asked you to escape with me to begin with, you'd still have your life and your career. You'd be out chasing bad guys and overthrowing governments and winning talent competitions...

ccarmichael007: Hey, what was your talent, anyway?

swalker218: As you've said yourself, I have many. And I helped you escape because _I wanted_ to. It's not your fault.

ccarmichael007: Yeah, but I was the genius who thought it would be a good idea to make a run for the border in an actual Taco Bell car. If not for your talent for gun play, that could have been the end of us right there.

ccarmichael007: Was gunplay your competition talent?

swalker218: No, they wouldn't allow us live rounds when they knew there was a high probability of the president showing up unannounced in the dressing rooms.

swalker218: And it's not like I didn't make any mistakes either. It was me who decided to wear a hot pink mini dress and heels while we were trying to inconspicuously board a flight to Argentina.

ccarmichael007: I know that I, for one, could not take my eyes off of you.

swalker218: And neither could Casey and his lab-grown goons, apparently. They spotted me in about three seconds.

ccarmichael007: I could've held off on messing with Casey's accounts until after we had reached a non-extradition country. I not only poked the bear, I wasn't being careful and probably left a digital trail straight to the airport. I really do hope he's enjoying his healing crystal of the month membership though.

swalker218: I heard through the grapevine that he actually went to the meditation retreat you signed him up for.

ccarmichael007: It was a silent retreat and they had Bonsai trimming as an elective. I was only trying to look out for the big guy.

swalker218: After his current assignment, he might need another one.

ccarmichael007: Oh, really?

swalker218: As his "reward" for bringing us in, they assigned him to personally head up the president's security detail.

ccarmichael007: Oh no.

swalker218: He's in a state of permanent internal conflict. On the one hand, the president is a Republican. On the other, he mutters the word "moron" under his breath approximately five times as frequently as he ever did when assigned to you. And he's really gotten creative with the adjectives around the "moron" too.

ccarmichael007: Wow. After me, that's really saying something. Is it weird that I'm actually a little disappointed about losing the title of Moron In Chief?

swalker218: You're asking me if I think you're weird?

ccarmichael007: Touché.

ccarmichael007: I can just picture him in the voting booth though: the red face, the sweat dripping down his brow, his hand trembling as he hovers his pen over the check box, the migraine forming as his head threatens to explode...

swalker218: He's taken to wearing glasses lately. I have a source in the NSA who says they're next-gen Google Glasses programmed to continuously superimpose an image of Reagan over Trump's face. I like to think that he's got earwigs to change the voice too.

ccarmichael007: Whatever gets him through the day...

ccarmichael007: But hey, the fact that you know this must mean that you're back out there on the surface somewhere, right?

swalker218: I'm actually back on active duty.

ccarmichael007: Really? How in the world did that happen? I figured we'd both landed on the FBI's most unwanted list for life.

swalker218: I'm fighting the urge to point out that I now know that's an X-Files reference.

ccarmichael007: Fighting and failing, Sweetie.

ccarmichael007: They should have given you some bunker time before assigning you to me. It would have saved us a whole lot of awkwardness, don't you think?

swalker218: I'm pretty positive it would have been awkward anyway.

ccarmichael007: But just think of all the things you'll have to talk with Morgan about next time you see him!

swalker218: I'm giddy with anticipation.

ccarmichael007: I'm sure. I know I'm looking forward to it immensely.

ccarmichael007: But anyway, active duty?

swalker218: Yes. Long story short, it's just a matter of numbers. Agent retention has been an issue of late, and given the state of… well… the entire world right now, they need every trained field agent they can get. They think they've bought my loyalty by pardoning my father and ensuring the safety of a few other people. In fact, that's why I'm contacting you now.

ccarmichael007: Are they letting me out? Is my unique skill set back in demand?

swalker218: Unfortunately, no. But could you use that skill set now to make sure this connection is secure? I've done the best I can, but...

ccarmichael007: Say no more. Sign off and back on in ten minutes.

 _swalker218 signed off at 20:37:23_

 _ccarmichael007 signed off at 20:37:35_

 _MulderBelievesInMe signed on at 20:45:13_

 _RiverWalkerSong signed on at 20:47:25_

MulderBelievesInMe: The coyotes howl in the moonlight.

RiverWalkerSong: The gorillas go hedgehog bowling.

MulderBelievesInMe: You did well, young Padawan. I've just spruced up the encryption a bit with a little something I've been working on, and routed us through a couple more satellites and some fanfiction sites where this kind of stuff won't raise any alarms.

RiverWalkerSong: Good thinking.

MulderBelievesInMe: So what's up?

RiverWalkerSong: So, to answer your last question: no, they're not letting you out anytime soon. There are very few people left who know about the Intersect project and those who remain are divided as to what to do with you. But most seem to agree that it's vitally important the president and his advisors never find out you exist. That's one of the reasons for Casey's assignment.

MulderBelievesInMe: And the rest of them?

RiverWalkerSong: Let's just say I doubt you'd be a fan of their agenda.

MulderBelievesInMe: So I'm staying a Morlock.

RiverWalkerSong: At least until the end of this administration, yes. That's the current plan.

MulderBelievesInMe: (sigh) Well, as long as they keep the cheese puffs coming. I've only played through Fallout once anyway.

RiverWalkerSong: But...

MulderBelievesInMe: But?

RiverWalkerSong: I may be able to change that.

MulderBelievesInMe: Really? You could get me out? After all this time? How?

RiverWalkerSong: I've been offered a promotion.

MulderBelievesInMe: A promotion?

RiverWalkerSong: The deputy directorship, actually.

MulderBelievesInMe: You who was just recently Morlocked herself?

RiverWalkerSong: If you keep asking questions, this is going to take a lot longer.

MulderBelievesInMe: Sorry, but you've got me on a bit of an emotional roller coaster here.

RiverWalkerSong: Good to know I've still got it ;)

MulderBelievesInMe: Har har har. You never lost it and you know it.

RiverWalkerSong: :)

RiverWalkerSong: Like I said, it's a numbers game. Nearly everybody with seniority over me has been promoted and then fired already. We've been going through a director a month on average and my number's up. If I take this position, I'll probably be out of a job by the end of the summer.

MulderBelievesInMe: He really does like firing people, doesn't he?

RiverWalkerSong: You have no idea. And I wouldn't necessarily be sad to leave it all behind, but that means no retirement, no benefits and slim to no future employment prospects. I might end up serving hot dogs for real. I've heard the last director just had to move back in with his parents.

MulderBelievesInMe: Those darn millennials...

RiverWalkerSong: He's 53.

MulderBelievesInMe: So don't take it. Keep your head down amongst the rank and file and ride it out. No administration lasts forever.

RiverWalkerSong: We can hope. And if I do that and manage to keep my job, I can also keep an eye on you.

MulderBelievesInMe: Still protecting me after all these years.

RiverWalkerSong: It's my job.

MulderBelievesInMe: Not anymore. And I sense a "but" coming.

RiverWalkerSong: A big one.

MulderBelievesInMe: Really? I never thought it was that big. I mean it's not flat or anything, but I wouldn't necessarily say "big." It does look great in a slinky dress. Toned, maybe. Yeah, toned is a good word for it. I mean, with all that kicking of things that you do, and...

RiverWalkerSong: Chuck, you're spiraling.

MulderBelievesInMe: Leave me alone, it's a happy spiral.

RiverWalkerSong: Focus.

RiverWalkerSong: Breathe.

MulderBelievesInMe: Fine, I'm breathing now. The but?

RiverWalkerSong: You just giggled, didn't you?

MulderBelievesInMe: I admit to nothing.

RiverWalkerSong: Sure, sure.

RiverWalkerSong: As I was saying... if I do take the promotion, I'd have the highest possible security clearance and much, much, more power than I do now. I'd eventually have jurisdiction over all of the CIA's projects. Even ones nearly everybody has forgotten about by now.

MulderBelievesInMe: You mean projects like the Intersect.

RiverWalkerSong: Now you're seeing it.

MulderBelievesInMe: So you could let me go?

RiverWalkerSong: Not only could I let you go, I could make it so the Intersect never officially existed. I could wipe out every last byte of data we have on the Intersect, and on you. You, and your family, could start completely over again like it never happened.

MulderBelievesInMe: Yes, yes! Do it! Make the call now, I'll go pack!

RiverWalkerSong: Is that really what you want?

MulderBelievesInMe: How could I not? I could see the sun! I could meet Ellie's kids! I could finish college for real! Morgan and I could finally figure out who the best companion for the Doctor is! And, just think of what this means for us!

RiverWalkerSong: What do you think it means for us?

MulderBelievesInMe: We could finally be together for real. No covers, no lies, no mad dashes for international waters...

MulderBelievesInMe: Sarah?

MulderBelievesInMe: Sarah?

MulderBelievesInMe: Sarah, you want that too. Right?

RiverWalkerSong: ;ljk;lkj

MulderBelievesInMe: I... don't know what that means.

RiverWalkerSong: Sorry, I was just tapping my fingers on the keyboard. I didn't mean to send that.

MulderBelievesInMe: Don't you still want to be with me? I know I messed things up last time we tried to escape, but I thought you still felt the same way I do. I mean, that last kiss...

RiverWalkerSong: No Chuck, I still feel the same.

MulderBelievesInMe: So what's the problem? Let's do it.

RiverWalkerSong: If I take a directorship position, I have to drop my cover. All my covers. I'd never be Sarah Walker again. I'd be a public figure with my real name and real information out there for the world to see. There'd be televised congressional hearings, reporters digging up whatever they can find about me, and cameras in my face every time I leave my house. The people I love could be leveraged against me. And even if the job only lasts a couple of months, the attention will be on me for the rest of my life.

MulderBelievesInMe: Oh.

RiverWalkerSong: And, you're not the only person I'm protecting.

MulderBelievesInMe: That makes sense.

RiverWalkerSong: Really?

MulderBelievesInMe: Yeah. You're you. I never really thought about it before, but it doesn't surprise me that I'm not the only unfortunate soul you've taken under your wing.

RiverWalkerSong: That's sweet.

MulderBelievesInMe: I'm sure they're not all as devastatingly handsome and charming as I am though.

RiverWalkerSong: Oh, not even remotely.

MulderBelievesInMe: :)

RiverWalkerSong: But even without my cover, I think I can arrange things so they'll be safe.

MulderBelievesInMe: So what's the catch?

RiverWalkerSong: You. You're the catch.

MulderBelievesInMe: I knew you'd see that someday.

RiverWalkerSong: I saw that almost immediately.

MulderBelievesInMe: Aww, I'm blushing here.

RiverWalkerSong: :)

MulderBelievesInMe: But?

RiverWalkerSong: But, even if I can manage to delete all official knowledge of the Intersect, there are still people out there who know about you. People who no longer have government jobs but do have new resentments and axes to grind over how they've been ousted. For all I know, there could be other Intersects running around out there now, and I can't know where they are or who they are unless I take the job. If I become a public figure, and if I'm ever seen with you...

MulderBelievesInMe: All it takes is one person to blow a whistle...

RiverWalkerSong: Or contact a foreign aggressor.

MulderBelievesInMe: That could be... problematic.

RiverWalkerSong: Yeah.

MulderBelievesInMe: Yeah. :(

MulderBelievesInMe: Speaking of people who know about me, what's our favorite diminutive General up to these days?

RiverWalkerSong: Chuck, you're deflecting.

MulderBelievesInMe: I 100% am. Humor me anyways.

RiverWalkerSong: Well, she's not a general anymore. She took early retirement and is doing the Broadway thing now.

MulderBelievesInMe: What Broadway thing? I never pictured her as a theater aficionado. I can't even picture her nodding her head along to a musical. I doubt she has a rhythmic bone in her body.

RiverWalkerSong: Oh no, she's not attending plays. She's performing in them. Musicals even.

MulderBelievesInMe: !

RiverWalkerSong: Come on, it's not that unbelievable.

MulderBelievesInMe: I….. I'm speechless.

RiverWalkerSong: That would be a first.

MulderBelievesInMe: Alternative facts!

MulderBelievesInMe: This demands proof.

RiverWalkerSong: Hang on….

 _RiverWalkerSong sent file_ Wicked04052018. mp4 _at 21:18:41_

 _MulderBelievesInMe opened_ Wicked04052018. mp4 _at 21:18:45_

MulderBelievesInMe: :-O :-O :-O

MulderBelievesInMe: That little lady has a huge set of pipes!

RiverWalkerSong: And that surprises you? After all the yelling? I've always found it a little too appropriate that that she's playing Elphaba.

MulderBelievesInMe: I'm watching this again. In fact, I'm putting it on a loop. And it's going straight to the top of every playlist I own.

RiverWalkerSong: You and Beckman can defy gravity all day long now.

MulderBelievesInMe: So have you ever thought about what you want to do once you're done with the government? If Beckman can tread the boards six shows a week, you could do just about anything.

RiverWalkerSong: Oh, I've already decided.

MulderBelievesInMe: Do tell.

RiverWalkerSong: I want to be a vampire slayer.

MulderBelievesInMe: That is... amazingly perfect for you.

RiverWalkerSong: There is most definitely a Hellmouth underneath Washington D.C., and I want to close it.

MulderBelievesInMe: I think I could pull together a respectable Scooby Team to help you with that.

RiverWalkerSong: I'll consider Morgan, but anybody you met at the Buy More is strictly off limits.

MulderBelievesInMe: But just think of the potential for comic relief!

RiverWalkerSong: I am not giving any of those idiots access to ancient wisdoms or magic weapons.

MulderBelievesInMe: Fine. Fair enough. But I get to pick the British guy.

RiverWalkerSong: Or woman. Women can be Watchers too.

MulderBelievesInMe: Person then. British person.

RiverWalkerSong: Agreed.

MulderBelievesInMe: And may I just say that I'm loving this new side of you? I should have locked you in a room with my DVD collection a long time ago.

RiverWalkerSong: What can I say? You ruined me.

MulderBelievesInMe: Or vastly improved you. Tomato, tohmato. I just wish there was some way I could see it in person. Ever.

RiverWalkerSong: There's a small chance.

MulderBelievesInMe: Pretty minuscule.

RiverWalkerSong: So what do you think?

MulderBelievesInMe: Let me make sure I've got this all straight.

MulderBelievesInMe: Option 1: You don't accept the position. You spend the next two to six years playing it safe and hoping you hang onto your job while I stay in the bunker racking up miles on the treadmill and taking increasingly large amounts of Vitamin D supplements. And that's provided that nobody pulls me out to try and further some nefarious agenda. Occasionally we get to chat about whatever show I've just binged that you probably haven't had time to watch.

RiverWalkerSong: I'll try to make sure you stay current. I'll even give you my Hulu login if you can get away with streaming it. I highly recommend The Handmaid's Tale.

MulderBelievesInMe: I appreciate that. As long as you promise not to judge me for my viewing history. And the whole time we hope that things change with the next administration instead of continuing on in the same vein.

RiverWalkerSong: Sounds about right.

MulderBelievesInMe: Option 2: You take the job, and for an unknown but likely brief period of time become one of the most powerful people in the intelligence community. You can arrange it so that I'm finally free and safe, but that comes at the price of your personal freedom, your future prospects, and possibly puts other people you care about in danger. And we can never see each other again without risking not only our own safety, but potentially that of the nation.

RiverWalkerSong: That pretty much sums it up.

MulderBelievesInMe: Do you see an option 3?

RiverWalkerSong: Well, the bombs could start flying any minute. In that case, I'm making a run for your bunker.

MulderBelievesInMe: Say hi to the gorillas on the way down.

RiverWalkerSong: I'll have to remember to put some industrial strength tranq darts in my bug-out bag.

MulderBelievesInMe: What if I get massive amounts of plastic surgery? Switch faces with Nicholas Cage or something?

RiverWalkerSong: I've actually considered that. Well, not the Nicholas Cage part, but the rest. It might work for a while, but unless there's something classified way above my level, I don't think there's any way to permanently change the other biometrics like fingerprints or retinas, much less DNA. If someone looks close enough, I don't know if it'd hold up. Especially if that person is an Intersect. And there's no time to do that research before I give my answer. It's a lot to ask of you for what's at best a long shot.

MulderBelievesInMe: Plus I don't have thousands and thousands of dollars laying around to pay an unscrupulous surgeon with. You?

RiverWalkerSong: Sorry, no. Though I do know this guy Lichtenstein...

MulderBelievesInMe: I don't think you can be both a high-ranking government official and a con artist.

RiverWalkerSong: You obviously haven't had access to the news lately.

MulderBelievesInMe: So it's maybe possible?

RiverWalkerSong: You'd really be willing to go through the pain of multiple operations and change how you look forever, just for me?

MulderBelievesInMe: There isn't much I wouldn't do for you. What's a little more pain?

RiverWalkerSong: You'd also wait in the bunker for God only knows how long when you know there's another option?

MulderBelievesInMe: Minus those few weeks with you, I've been in one bunker or another for almost 10 years already, and, until today, had no hope of getting out anytime soon. I am thoroughly bunkerized. What's a few more years?

RiverWalkerSong: You're not making this any easier for me.

MulderBelievesInMe: It's not an easy choice.

RiverWalkerSong: You still haven't told me what you think.

MulderBelievesInMe: I think it's your decision.

RiverWalkerSong: But it's not. This involves you too. You need to have a voice in this.

MulderBelievesInMe: I haven't had my own voice since the day I got that email from Bryce. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you asking for my input, but I can't decide this for you.

RiverWalkerSong: The only thing I've decided is that I can't decide until I know what you want. What you really want.

MulderBelievesInMe: When is your answer due?

RiverWalkerSong: Less than 48 hours now.

MulderBelievesInMe: In that case, I think I need to sleep on it.

RiverWalkerSong: That sounds fair. I'll check back in with you this time tomorrow?

MulderBelievesInMe: I'll try and fit you in.

RiverWalkerSong: Why thank you. I appreciate it.

MulderBelievesInMe: For you, any time.

RiverWalkerSong: :)

MulderBelievesInMe: :)

MulderBelievesInMe: Well... goodnight.

RiverWalkerSong: Night.

RiverWalkerSong: Chuck, you still there?

MulderBelievesInMe: Yes.

RiverWalkerSong: I

RiverWalkerSong: ...

RiverWalkerSong: Sweet dreams.

MulderBelievesInMe: You too.

 _RiverWalkerSong signed off at 21:56:51_

 _MulderBelievesInMe signed off at 22:24:32_


	3. Chapter 3

_swalker218 signed on at 04:20:22_

 _JCasey1980 signed on at 7:35:21_

JCasey1980: Walker?

swalker218: What do you want Casey?

JCasey1980: We secure?

swalker218: I don't know. You tell me.

JCasey1980: Jesus, looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the broomstick this morning.

swalker218: Somebody hasn't slept yet and isn't amused by your gendered insults.

FluffyBunnyStarChildHippie: And here I was trying to congratulate you.

FluffyBunnyStarChildHippie: Dammit! I told you to quit changing my screen name!

swalker218: You're NSA. Stop me.

CaseyNeedsHisChakrasCleansed: Next time I see you, Vera and I will be more than happy to stop you.

swalker218: Who's she? The president's newest porn star? (cough) I mean, staff member?

ThePowerOfCrystalsMakesMyBonsaiTreeGrowStrong: Just my favorite, favorite gun. Want to meet her up close and personal, Miss CIA 2017?

swalker218: That title has been rescinded. And I have no desire to be anywhere near your person. I can't say I'm fond of the company you're keeping these days.

MaybeItsTheStoppingPowerMaybeItsJustCompensation: And who's fault is that?

swalker218: Alright, yeah. Maybe I had a little something to do with it.

ICouldNeverShootSarahShesTooPretty: That almost sounds like an apology.

swalker218: Almost. But not really.

NoRagrets: I'll take it just the same.

swalker218: Fine. Because that's all you're going to get. What do you want?

SorryNotSorry: I just said. To congratulate you.

SorryNotSorry: And for the love of God, will you PLEASE stop doing that? It hurts my eyes and they're strained enough these days.

swalker218: I suppose I can sympathize with that.

swalker218: There, that better?

JCasey1980: **(emoticon redacted)**

JCasey1980: Yes, much better. Thank you.

swalker218: And there's no need to congratulate me yet. I haven't given my decision.

JCasey1980: Lady, you'd better check your Twitter mentions.

swalker218: I don't have Twitter on this phone. I'm not even sure I know my password.

JCasey1908: What administration have you been living in? You'd better rectify that situation post haste. I can wait. The President is having his "executive time" for the next two hours.

 _swalker218's_ _status changed to idle at 07:46:34_

 _JCasey1980's status changed to idle at 07:46:54_

 _swalker218"s status changed to online at 08:03:16_

swalker218: Holy...

 _JCasey1980's status changed to online at 08:06:31_

JCasey1980: Shitstorm, right?

swalker218: There's not even enough room in the notification bubble to tell me how many notifications I have.

JCasey1980: How does it feel to be internet famous?

swalker218: But, I was told I had until end of day tomorrow to tender my decision. I hadn't even decided myself yet!

JCasey1980: Too late, Deputy Director. The Tweet has gone out.

swalker218: A Tweet is not an official policy decision. I still have time.

JCasey1980: Where exactly have you been the past year and a half?

swalker218: A good chunk of it was spent in a bunker, thanks to you.

JCasey1980: Just doing my job.

swalker218: You could have done it a little less thoroughly. We got you and your squad passes to Burning Man and everything.

JCasey1980: Maybe next year I'll take you up on that since we'll all probably be unemployed anyway. A scorching desert full of dirty naked hippies suddenly seems preferable to one billionaire who can never seem to keep his robe closed.

swalker218: Ouch.

JCasey1980: Don't pretend you know my pain.

swalker218: Isn't it part of your job to keep his phone away from him at...

swalker218: 3:24 a.m.?!

JCasey1980: A) I wasn't on duty, and B) He apparently had a spare stashed in the bathroom.

swalker218: Great, so I got promoted during a pre-dawn presidential potty break.

JCasey1980: If it helps, it came from a golden toilet.

swalker218: Perfect. That is absolutely the perfect metaphor for this glistening turd of a situation.

JCasey1980: Close the lid before you flush.

swalker218: Oh. My. God. Who gave the Times the Jenny Burton yearbook picture?

JCasey1980: Which one was that one again?

swalker218: Casey, I swear to God if it was you...

JCasey1980: Heh.

swalker218: I should have put a knife in your temple in the Miami airport.

JCasey1980: It still would have attracted less attention than that dress.

swalker218: I've got to go. I have 73 missed calls to deal with, and I don't even want to think about opening my email.

JCasey1980: Enjoy your 15 minutes Walker. It was nice knowing you.

swalker218: I was supposed to have another 36 hours dammit.

JCasey1980: The Tweet waits for no man.

JCasey1980: Or woman.

swalker218: We could have elected a woman...

 _swalker218 signed off at 08:15:33_

 _ImWithHer2016 signed off at 08:16:02_

* * *

 _MulderBelievesInMe signed on at 17:00:00_

 _RiverWalkerSong signed on at 22:13:42_

MulderBelievesInMe: So, how was your day?

RiverWalkerSong: I have some news.

MulderBelievesInMe: I saw the tweet.

RiverWalkerSong: They let you onto Twitter? I didn't get Twitter. I didn't even get Google.

MulderBelievesInMe: "Let" me? I wouldn't exactly say that. As far as they know, this node is local only.

RiverWalkerSong: Of course. You're you.

MulderBelievesInMe: Nice senior yearbook picture, by the way.

RiverWalkerSong: I was hoping you'd never see that. Ever.

MulderBelievesInMe: I think it makes you relatable. Everybody likes a good glow up story. Funny how none of that conman's daughter stuff you told me about ever showed up though.

RiverWalkerSong: As soon as my name came into discussion, they had a team start scrubbing. It wouldn't do for the general public to know that their government is run by career criminals.

MulderBelievesInMe: Oh, no. That would be terrible.

RiverWalkerSong: Could you even imagine?

MulderBelievesInMe: It would lead to anarchy.

RiverWalkerSong: Or electoral college victories.

MulderBelievesInMe: The horror!

RiverWalkerSong: That pretty much sums up my day.

MulderBelievesInMe: That bad, huh?

RiverWalkerSong: By 10:00 a.m. I had turned off my phone, barricaded my door and sealed myself in my panic room with a bottle of wine. Every time I left to get more wine, there were more reporters on my lawn, and I think my answering machine has died from sheer exhaustion.

MulderBelievesInMe: So you've bunkerized yourself?

RiverWalkerSong: Can I move in with you? It's more comfortable there than in my panic room. I knew I should've gone with the bigger model.

MulderBelievesInMe: Just tell me your sleep number and I'll get your side of the room all ready for you.

RiverWalkerSong: I wish.

MulderBelievesInMe: Me too.

RiverWalkerSong: That would make things so much easier right now.

RiverWalkerSong: Just so you know, I didn't pull the trigger on this. I really was waiting to talk to you first. I wanted you to be a part of the decision, even if I was the only one who knew about it. You deserved that much.

MulderBelievesInMe: I never thought differently. Even if you had made the call without talking to me again, it's not your style to announce it on social media in the middle of the night. Or go on social media at all. Morgan is still waiting for you to accept that Myspace friend request.

RiverWalkerSong: No, it's really not. Despite it all, I still have professional standards. Particularly when it comes to Morgan.

MulderBelievesInMe: So what did you do in your panic room all day?

RiverWalkerSong: Honestly? I spent most of it with Buffy DVDs.

MulderBelievesInMe: Really? How "professional" of you.

RiverWalkerSong: I was supposed to have another day, dammit!

MulderBelievesInMe: Well you certainly aren't the first person to escape their responsibilities by retreating into their favorite fandom.

RiverWalkerSong: I think I found my all-time favorite scene. Wanna see it?

MulderBelievesInMe: Of course. You can actually tell a lot about a person by their favorite Buffy episode.

 _RiverWalkerSong sent file_ buffy. mp4 _at 22:28:52_

 _MulderBelievesInMe opened_ buffy .mp4 _at 22:29:24_

MulderBelievesInMe: egw'abfijp'i0-\\\\\\\\\\\2 aebrpn

I -\gr-\g34 \k0

Irijop

Era

Kop[bfak

O[pkpq34- g3r-\fkn

Mol

Efo

RiverWalkerSong: Chuck, you okay?

RiverWalkerSong: I'm going to keep this connection active until you're feeling well enough to respond.

RiverWalkerSong: ...

RiverWalkerSong: ...

RiverWalkerSong:...

RiverWalkerSong: ...

MulderBelievesInMe: gajlqt9[9fbda rgqeqij

RiverWalkerSong: You feeling any better?

MulderBelievesInMe: I rly rly hate u rt now

RiverWalkerSong: I'm so sorry. I couldn't think of a better way. Take some deep breaths and drink some water.

MulderBelievesInMe: You know, it's considered polite to warn a guy before you shove an entire Intersect into his head!

RiverWalkerSong: I'm really really sorry. I had to act fast and I couldn't wait for you to dither about the decision I know you'd inevitably reach anyway.

MulderBelievesInMe: Gah. I feel so violated right now.

RiverWalkerSong: If you check your dinner tray, there should be some meds for the headache along with your supplements.

MulderBelievesInMe: Well thank you for small favors. But WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? I thought the one thing I had going for me was that all of my Intersect information was years out of date and ergo worthless to anybody.

RiverWalkerSong: I put my new security clearance to work today. They weren't going to leave you in the bunker. They had other plans for you entirely and were feeding me a line of BS. It seems your brain's ability to accept the Intersect programming is still exceedingly rare, and somebody was more than eager to put it to use.

MulderBelievesInMe: Doing what?

RiverWalkerSong: We really don't have time for details, but let's just say you wouldn't have enjoyed it. They planned to play us off against each other, using our feelings towards each other and threatening the other's safety to keep us both compliant.

MulderBelievesInMe: Ugh. I want to sleep for a month.

RiverWalkerSong: No time for that now. My position isn't supposed to officially start until after the weekend, so I can realistically disavow any knowledge of anything that happens before then. This should give you a head start. We just have to make sure all of the new features uploaded successfully.

MulderBelievesInMe: What new features? I don't see how my ability to connect the dots is going to get me past the angry gorillas and out of here. Though I do appreciate the Whedonesque theme of your version. It'll make flashing so much more interesting than pictures of flowers and pies.

RiverWalkerSong: I'm going to send you another video. I promise this one is audiovisual only.

MulderBelievesInMe: Pinky promise?

RiverWalkerSong: I'll even spit on my palm if that makes you feel better.

MulderBelievesInMe: Okay. Send it.

 _RiverWalkerSong sent file_ languagetest .mp4 _at 23:02:14_

 _MulderBelievesInMe opened file_ languagetest .mp4 _at 23:03:02_

MulderBelievesInMe: Holy shizznit.

RiverWalkerSong: I assumed it worked?

MulderBelievesInMe: There were, like, forty different languages in that video and I understood them all. Why do I speak Myposian now?

RiverWalkerSong: Ten years of improvements in Intersect technology.

MulderBelievesInMe: That's amazing. Is Klingon part of the package?

RiverWalkerSong: Don't you already speak Klingon?

MulderBelievesInMe: I still struggle with the pronunciation. And I haven't even started on Romulan.

RiverWalkerSong: Shit! I'm tapped into your perimeter alarm and there's an incursion. You need to hide! Now!

 _MulderBelievesInMe's status changed to idle at 23:12:45_

 _RiverWalkerSong's status changed to idle at 23:13:24_

 _RiverWalkerSong's status changed to online at 23:18:30_

RiverWalkerSong: It's okay, you can come out now.

 _MulderBelievesInMe's status changed to online at 23:20:12_

MulderBelievesInMe: Are they gone?

RiverWalkerSong: They were never there. I just need to know what happened.

MulderBelievesInMe: You wouldn't believe it! I literally flipped out of my chair, AND landed on my feet and not even remotely on my ass. Then when I didn't see a hiding spot right away, I ran up the wall, jumped, and at the exact right time, spread my arms and legs just wide enough to wedge myself in between the beams in the ceiling and held myself there until you said I could come down. I am Spider-Man!

RiverWalkerSong: Did you shoot webs out of your wrists?

MulderBelievesInMe: Well, no. But I know parkour! Or Kung Fu, or something. Park Fu?

RiverWalkerSong: According to the schematics, there are over thirty different fighting styles available, along with parkour, and pretty much every sport in the book.

MulderBelievesInMe: So this thing could turn me into an Olympic curler?

RiverWalkerSong: I don't know if curling counts as a sport, but yes. I imagine if there was ever a need to infiltrate an illegal underground curling ring, it would allow you to blend right in.

MulderBelievesInMe: I still say curling is an elaborate practical joke Canada plays on the rest of the world once every four years.

RiverWalkerSong: And once this is all over, you now have the resources to go out and get to the bottom of that if you want to. I'll even help you crack it open.

MulderBelievesInMe: That sounds like a great plan! Can we go do that now?

RiverWalkerSong: I wish dubious Canadian sports were anywhere on our priority list right now.

MulderBelievesInMe: So what is the plan?

RiverWalkerSong: Right now I've made it as far as getting you out of the bunker and then out of the country. As far as anybody watching is concerned, I've spent the day hiding in my panic room getting drunk and watching TV. Hopefully by the time you get where you're going, I'll have worked out the next steps.

MulderBelievesInMe: Whatever they are, we'll figure them out together. It's what we do best after all.

RiverWalkerSong: :)

RiverWalkerSong: I've already reassigned all of the CIA personnel stationed at the zoo and there's a four-hour window before their replacements arrive. When you come into contact with the zoo employees and local PD, cooperate fully. I'm sending you a file with detailed instructions. Once you've memorized them, scrub our entire digital trail and repopulate it with you doing something inane on the internet - or whatever you do on a typical day. I'll do the same on my end.

MulderBelievesInMe: Furry porn and fanfiction. Gotcha.

 _RiverWalkerSong sent file instructions .txt at 23:24:25_

RiverWalkerSong: Seriously?

MulderBelievesInMe: Hey, what a man does when alone in a bunker...

RiverWalkerSong: I'm so glad you can find time for humor right now.

MulderBelievesInMe: Sarah, I trust you. You've kept me alive so far. I know you'll keep doing that as long as you can.

RiverWalkerSong: It's time for you to go now. Please, stick to the script.

 _MulderBelievesInMe opened file instructions .txt at 23:25:56_

MulderBelievesInMe: Don't worry, I've got this. I'll see you soon.

RiverWalkerSong: I really, really hope so.

MulderBelievesInMe: I know so.

RiverWalkerSong: And if we don't, I just wanted you to know...

RiverWalkerSong: I still...

MulderBelievesInMe: I know.

RiverWalkerSong: :)

 _RiverWalkerSong signed off at 23:27:04_

MulderBelievesInMe: I love you too.

 _MulderBelievesInMe signed off at 23:28:31_

* * *

 _JCasey1980 signed on at 07:57:17_

JCasey1980: Good morning, Madam Deputy Director.

JCasey1980: Walker?

JCasey1980: Up and at 'em.

JCasey1980: It's a beautiful day in the swamp.

JCasey1980: Time to rise and shine.

 _swaker218 signed on at 08:02:25_

swalker218: For the love of God, make it stop.

JCasey1980: Aha. She lives.

swalker218: Barely.

JCasey1980: So eloquent in the morning.

swalker218: How did you make your alert bypass my do not disturb mode?

swalker218: And whyyyyy does it have to be Niel Diamond?

JCasey1980: NSA magic at its finest.

swalker218: Tragic, is what it is. Not magic. Tragic.

JCasey1980: And you'll be glad to know I figured out how to change my screen name back. I came within one keystroke of messaging the chief of staff with that ImWithHer handle. Are you trying to get me fired?

swalker218: Would you really cry if that happened?

JCasey1980: Huh. Probably not, actually. Who needs retirement benefits anyway?

swalker218: Don't say I never did anything for you. Now what do you want?

JCasey1980: Oh, nothing really.

swalker218: Great, so go away. And take your obnoxious music with you.

JCasey1980: You wouldn't know good music if it showed up to dye your hair to match your eyebrows.

swalker218: I'm going back to bed. Or the floor. I appear to be on the bathroom floor.

JCasey1980: What did you get into on your last night of freedom?

swalker218: The only thing I got into was a third bottle of wine. So unless you're coming over with an IV and a banana bag, kindly piss off.

JCasey1980: Tisk tisk. What would the press say if I were to show up at your place right now?

swalker218: Oh God, are they still here?

JCasey1980: I'm watching a live feed of your front door as we speak. You've got to come out sometime after all.

swalker218: No I don't. Just watch me.

JCasey1980: Eventually you'll need more wine.

swalker218: And toothpaste. My mouth tastes like a beach at low tide the day after spring break ends.

JCasey1980: You make your choices you pay your prices.

swalker218: Casey, get to the point or kindly fuck off.

JCasey1980: I saw a video this morning I thought you'd want to see.

swalker218: Is it the one about the goat yoga? Because like five people have sent it to me already.

JCasey1980: Really Walker?

swalker218: What? I like goats. I'm going to add them to my circus act. Make them wear pajamas with little capes and do barnyard parkour.

JCasey1980: You used to be a perfectly good agent. Now look at you. Just watch the damn video.

 _JCasey1980 sent file gorillaman .mp4 at 08:11:41_

 _swalker218 opened gorillaman .mp4 at 08:12:21_

swalker218: What am I watching here? All I see is a jungle and a couple of gorillas.

JCasey1980: It's not a jungle, it's an enclosure at the Omaha zoo.

swalker218: And?

JCasey1980: Keep watching.

swalker218: Okay, so some homeless looking drunk dude stumbled into the gorilla cage. Do they beat him up or something? He's just wandering around looking lost.

JCasey1980: Keep watching.

swalker218: Come on Casey, there's like five more minutes and the gorillas are just looking at him.

JCasey1980: Fine. Fast forward three minutes.

swalker218: Ugh. Fine. This better be worth waking me up for.

swalker218: Okay, I've gotta admit that's some impressive Kung Fu. I've never seen one guy take down three gorillas. Or possibly any gorillas. But I still don't see what this has to do with me. Do you want to recruit this guy or something? Because that's not my department anymore.

JCasey1980: Nothing about that guy looks familiar to you?

swalker218: I don't know. It's all grainy black and white. All I see is big hair and a big beard.

JCasey1980: Nothing about, oh, say, his physique? A physique you know intimately, perhaps?

swalker218: I don't know. Maybe he's tall, but that's hard to tell next to a gorilla.

JCasey1980: What if you shaved the beard?

swalker218: You shave him. I'm going back to sleep.

JCasey1980: You don't think he looks at all like Chuck?

swalker218: He looks like a man-shaped blob with a lot of hair on top. That could be anybody.

JCasey1980: That's your story?

swalker218: Yes. That and Chuck doesn't know Kung Fu. And Chuck is in a bunker somewhere. I don't know where, but I'm pretty damned sure it's not in the gorilla habitat at the Omaha zoo. And if he were escaping again why would he get drunk and go to the zoo? And, he would shave first. He knows I like his cheeks baby smooth.

JCasey1980: Ugh. Spare me.

swalker218: Therefore, for all the aforementioned above reasons, it's not Chuck. Now let me sleep.

JCasey1980: He sure looks an awful lot like the moron to me.

swalker218: Well he's obviously a moron, picking a fight with a pack of gorillas and all. But also obviously not _our_ moron.

JCasey1980: Your moron, Walker. I have my own now. And FYI, it's a troop of gorillas. Or a band. But not a pack.

swalker218: I swear I distinctly remember telling you to fuck off. Do you want me to send you the goat yoga video before I sign off? Because you seem like you could use some goat yoga right about now.

JCasey1980: I still swear this guy is a dead ringer for Bartowski.

swalker218: Well you can see him leaving with zoo security at the end. They must have turned him over to local law enforcement. Who do they say he is?

JCasey1980: Nobody.

swalker218: (gasp) Shocker!

JCasey1980: I mean literally nobody. No ID, no paperwork. Fingerprints: nothing. Facial recognition: nothing. Voice print: nothing. DNA swab: nothing.

swalker218: A man with no wallet and no criminal record. How enthralling. Who does he say he is?

JCasey1980: Well, if you believe him, he only speaks a few words of English. They're not sure, but they think he's speaking Krakozhian. All they can get out of him was that he was looking for medicine for his goat and somehow hit his head and doesn't remember how he got into a fight with three gorillas.

swalker218: Well there you go. Chuck doesn't speak Krakozhian. I don't even speak Krakozhian. Krakozhia collapsed in 2004. Why would Chuck take the time to learn the language of a country that doesn't even exist anymore?

JCasey1980: He's learned the language of an entire planet that doesn't exist.

swalker218: Nobody's made a nerdy movie about Krakozhia.

JCasey1980: Point. But, however he learned it, they couldn't find an interpreter. They figured he had to be some sort of undocumented immigrant.

swalker218: Who made a beeline to Omaha.

JCasey1980: Yeah.

swalker218: Looking for medicine for his goat.

JCasey1980: Yeah.

swalker218: Uh huh.

JCasey1980: They figured let ICE deal with it. ICE didn't know what to do with him either so they put him on the first plane out of the country. He should be landing in Greece in a couple of hours.

swalker218: Gee, I hope his goat's okay. Did they let it go on the plane with him? They get separation anxiety, you know.

JCasey1980: They never found a goat.

swalker218: The plot thickens.

JCasey1980: Please tell me you don't find this the least bit suspicious.

swalker218: Sure, it's weird. But it's not harass me first thing in the morning when I have a hangover weird.

JCasey1980: Just thought you might be interested.

swalker218: Well I'm not. But since you're so fired up about it and oh so convinced that this guy is Chuck, what are you planning on doing about it?

JCasey1980: Me? Nothing.

swalker218: Really? Nothing?

JCasey1980: Not my circus, not my monkeys. Or my gorillas. Not anymore. My only job now is to guard the president and try and get him to go to work sometimes.

swalker218: Yeah, you've moved right on up to the big top.

JCasey1980: Never a dull moment. And I've taken three points off of my golf game.

swalker218: I'm sure. I, however, plan to return to my dull moment for as long as I can before this new job starts. So, thanks for waking me up for nothing and all that. I'll be sure to repay the favor sometime soon.

swalker218: In fact, somebody sent me a video of a Husky howling the alphabet the other day. Would you like me to forward it to you so you can over analyze it too? It could be a Russian plot to use our pets to spy on us.

JCasey1980: Thanks, but I've already seen it. We've ruled out the Russia angle, but now Kushner has some hair-brained scheme about using dogs to aid in his Middle East peace talks.

swalker218: Not my circus, not my goats.

JCasey1980: Not until Monday, anyway.

swalker218: Don't remind me.

JCasey1980: You have a sunshine day, Walker. Here's a little Neil to play you out.

swalker218: I really, really, really despise you right now.

 _JCasey1980 signed off at 08:32:12_

swalker218: Please, make it stop.

swalker218: That's it. Computer, meet wall.

 _swalker218's connection was interrupted at 08:34:21_

* * *

 _thegriminator signed on at 10:42:13_

 _kicka$$ninjagrl signed on at 11:11:11_

kicka$$ninjagrl: Hey Morgan.

thegriminator: Anna! My sun and stars! My light in the darkness! I knew you'd come back to me someday!

kicka$$ninjagrl: Get over yourself Morgan. I'm just here to do you a favor.

thegriminator: The favor of gracing me with your presence once again?

kicka$$ninjagrl: Ew. No.

thegriminator: Just the very sight of your words on my screen make me feel the glow of your soul close to mine once more.

kicka$$ninjagrl: Seriously, it's been a decade. Move on already.

thegriminator: But why would you tease me with the sweet torment of your text if not to seek out my witty repartee?

kicka$$ninjagrl: All I want you to do is watch a video. My immigrants' rights direct action group has been sharing it, and I thought you should see it.

thegriminator: I, of course, will view whatever or whomever you wish, my Khaleesi.

 _kicka$$ninjagrl sent file gorillaman .mp4 at 11:14:44_

kicka$$ninjagrl: Please never call me that again. You'll ruin Game of Thrones for me.

thegriminator: As you wish, m'lady.

kicka$$ninjagrl: Or that.

 _thegriminator opened gorillaman .mp4 at 11:15:53_

thegriminator: Woah! That dude kicks ass! Did you teach him that?

kicka$$ninjagrl: No, but don't you think he looks familiar?

thegriminator: Maybe. There's something about his lankiness of build, perhaps. And, as we all know, a beard can hide many secrets.

kicka$$ninjagrl: I enhanced a still shot of his eyes and colorized it. Tell me what you think now.

 _kicka$$ninjagrl sent file eyes .jpg at 11:17:04_

 _thegriminator opened eyes .jpg at 11:17:23_

thegriminator: Omg. I'd recognize those baby browns anywhere. I've been looking into those soulful eyes since kindergarten. That's Chuck! CHUCK LIVES!

kicka$$ninjagrl: That's what I thought. I just wanted your confirmation. So, thanks. I'll talk to you later.

thegriminator: I have to spread the word! Chuck Lives!

 _thegriminator changed chat to group chat at 11:18:43_

 _thegriminator invited contact:BigBuyMoreMike to join the group at 11:18:52_

 _thegriminator invited contact:thegentlehinjew to join the group at 11:19:55_

 _thegriminator invited contact:emceesquared to join the group at 11:19:02_

kicka$$ninjagrl: Please tell me you're not still working at the Buy More.

thegriminator: Of course I am. Where else would I work?

kicka$$ninjagrl: Yeah, I'm out of here.

thegriminator: Wait!

kicka$$ninjagrl: What? Hurry up, I am _not_ going through this again with those degenerates.

thegriminator: What happened to Chuck?

kicka$$ninjagrl: ICE deported him without a hearing or even a chance to access legal representation.

kicka$$ninjagrl: We're organizing a sit-in at the zoo. Bring signs. Spread the word.

 _emceesquared joined the group at 11:21:15_

kicka$$ninjagrl: But not at the Buy More. Ciao.

 _kicka$$ninjagrl left the group at 11:21:26_

 _kicka$$ninjagrl signed off at 11:21:32_

 _thegentlehinjew joined the group at 11:21:50_

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emceesquared: Was that my Anna Banana I just saw?

thegriminator: No, that must have been some other kick ass ninja girl.

emceesquared: Sigh. I still miss her everyday.

thegriminator: It's been a decade Jeff, get over it already.

emceesquared: True love never dies.

thegentlehinjew: This is true, this is true. The heart wants what the heart wants.

BigBuyMoreMike: What is this all about? Y'all aren't going to like me if I have to put down my doughnut and make you get back to work.

thegriminator: You guys _have_ to see this.

 _thegriminator pinned file gorillaman .mp4 to the group board at 11:24:58_

 _thegriminator pinned file eyes .jpg to the group board at 11:25:16_

BigBuyMoreMike: Oh. My. God. And I say that in a praiseful manner, not a blasphemous one.

thegentlehinjew: Oh captain, my captain.

emceesquared: He has traveled the path of solitude lo these many years, and has returned to us a true warrior.

thegentlehinjew: Teach us, oh wise one.

emceesquared: Where must we go to sit at his feet and learn his ways?

Morgan: We have to go to Omaha.

emceesquared: I'll go warm up the van.

Morgan: I'll call Ellie.

BigBuyMoreMike: I'll go hit up the KnickKnacks'n'Crafts. We need glitter. So much glitter.

 _emceesquared signed off at 11:34:24_

 _BigBuyMoreMike signed off at 11:34:27_

 _thegentlehinjew signed off at 11:34:36_

 _thegriminator changed the name of the group to "CHUCK LIVES 2018"_

 _thegriminator invited contact:*ALL to join the group_

 _thegriminator signed off at 11:36:12_

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* * *

 _swaker218 signed on at 08:02:26_

 _JCasey1980 signed on at 08:25:27_

swalker218: Yes, Casey. I've seen the protest videos.

JCasey1980: And?

swalker218: Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my Chuck, still no goat. And it's not Monday yet. This seems like an immigration matter to me anyway, which, I believe, falls under your big top.

JCasey1980: I think they may be my monkeys now. Guess who just got reassigned to Burbank.

swalker218: Lucky you. Sounds like you're off on a wild goose chase to me. My intel has Chuck safe in his bunker.

JCasey1980: I left my Bonzai trees in Castle. They're probably going to need attention. A lot of attention. It may take me a while to get them all sorted out, and then I should probably do a thorough inventory...

swalker218 Don't forget your crystals.

JCasey1980: I hate you so much right now.

 _BonsaisAndBasements1980 signed off at 08:32:14_

 _swalker218 signed off at 08:32:23_

* * *

 **BONUS CONTENT**

 **Buzzbuzz's Top 20 signs from the Omaha protests**

NO DEPORTATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION

WHERE'S THE GOAT?

DOESN'T ANYBODY FEEL BAD FOR THE GORILLAS?

THE BEST SANDWICH FOR A DESERT ISLAND IS ROAST BEEF: CHANGE MY MIND, CHUCK

GOAT RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS

DONALD TRUMP USES COMIC SANS

GOD HATES GORILLAS

I'M SO PISSED OFF I COULD VOTE

WE SHALL OVERCOMB

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN THE NERDS COME OUTSIDE

THIS BLACK MIRROR EPISODE SUCKS

GOATS NEED HEALTHCARE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US

SUPERMAN WAS AN IMMIGRANT TOO

YOU'RE ALL FIRED!

THE NSA HAS TMI

ZOOKEEPERS UNITED AGAINST ANIMAL ABUSE

IF YOU BUILD A WALL, MY GENERATION WILL RELEASE THE DRAGONS

TWEET OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TWEETED

WHAT? NO PENGUINS IN THIS CHAPTER? #ROBBED!

CHUCK LIVES!

* * *

 _I feel like this piece needs a Chapter Four, with stuff about border walls and government shutdowns. But honestly, I'm having trouble finding humor these days. So if y'all got jokes, feel free to slide into my DMs and make me laugh. Maybe I'll find some ideas._


End file.
